A couple weeks ago in this riveting edition of The Condensed Soup I mentioned one of my favorite articles from the week entitled "33 Men Share the One Question They've Always Wanted to Ask a Lady, but Were Too Afraid To Ask" (phew.)
After reading it and lol-ing my pants off, I decided to do these dudes a favor and answer them with the help of the girls from Girl Code, because that show is f-ing hilar.
I eliminated the inappropriate ones because, you know, manners.
Disclaimer: My responses should not in any way be taken seriously by any confused male reading this looking for actual answers. Not that any guys read this but... just in case.
1. As someone who isn’t very outgoing, and who studies in a male dominant field and in a male dominated workplace, I don’t really meet a lot of you. Any of you don’t like going to clubs/discos/bars? Where do you go instead?
After I got over the fact that this guy used the word "discos", I gave this some serious thought. In the alcohol-obsessed millennial universe, it does seem like the only places you can go to meet people after college is over are bars. And for men like Mr. Shy Guy here, that can pose a problem.
But if you really take a second to think about it, you can find eligible ladies everywhere. Just hop on over to your local Target clearance section or the never ending line at Chipotle. Ok maybe those are just great ways to pick up girls like me. But seriously, go anywhere. Anywhere at all. And if the going gets tough there's always Tinder, right?
2. After thousands of years, why haven’t you realized that we don’t pick up on subtle hints?
Yeah, we have realized that. But it takes a few months leading up to a 21st birthday full of hints and photos of items we'd like to receive only to get a giant stuffed monkey instead to realize how incredibly clueless you guys actually are. My advice? Start paying attention more. We can only be so obvious.
3. Are you seriously expecting an honest reply to “does this make me look fat?”
4. Were you all born with perfect penmanship?
Yes, it is in our DNA.
5. Do your menstrual cycles really attract bears??
Instead of answering this, I'd like to know where this guy heard this outlandish fact......
6.Why can’t you decide where you want to eat? Too many choices? You like all dishes known to man? You can’t tell the difference? TELL ME!!!!!!!
This is valid. I can never decide where to eat. And I'm going to go with the "too many choices" excuse here. But do you know what makes the process even longer? YOU COMPLAINING THAT WE CAN'T DECIDE.
7. What do you store in your handbags? Seriously, there seems to be an item for every occasion.
Handbag inventory is unique to each and every girl. Fun blog posts and magazine articles entitled "What's In My Bag" prove this. Personally? I keep the basics (wallet, phone, keys), floss, sunglasses, an encyclopedia, a frozen turkey (in case I get hungry), a rotary phone (you know, for backup), and my cat in there.
But I obviously downsize if I'm carrying a clutch and leave the floss at home.
8. Why do you pepper spray me so often?
This one is concerning.
9. How offended would you be if someone called your eyebrows ugly?
10. Can you please also take charge in a relationship? I (as a guy) don’t want to be responsible for every single thing that happens between us.
But it's more fun to blame everything on you when you're in charge.
12. What’s with all the rage over leaving the toilet seat up? Would you rather we pee on it?
Yes. And then wipe it off like a considerate human being. You don't know fear until you've gone to pee in the middle of the night and almost fallen into the toilet due to a seat being left up.
13. Why do you go to the bathroom in groups?
Because we're polite and don't want to gossip about you right in front of your face.
14. Do you want us to fight a guy if he’s getting up in your face or do we just leave it because you can take care of yourself?
It depends on the girl and her mood. So basically whatever you choose to do will probably be the wrong choice at the time. Sorry.
15. Do you really find attractive guys “cute and romantic” when an ugly one doing the same thing is “creepy,” or is this just a running joke?
I mean..... no matter how un-shallow a gal claims to be, looks will always matter at least a little bit. It's the same with girls. If the first thing a rando girl says to you is "I just found you on Facebook, I love the pics your mom posts of you from middle school!", you'd be like yeah ok brb calling the cops. But if Kate Upton said that to you, you'd propose to her on the spot. Yeah, it's a shitty double standard, but what are you going to do?
16. I've spent a long time studying women and how they tic both sexually and romantically. I think I've learned a lot but one thing I've never been privy to is what girls talk to each other about when talking about guys. I've been told it gets rather detailed.
You've been told right. Everything from what a guy was wearing when you hung out with him to what his GPA was in high school will be shared amongst a group of girlfriends. It is a known fact that no detail is too small or uninteresting. At least we pretend it's not for the sake of our love stricken friend.If you're a guy, I can pretty much guarantee that whatever you tell your girl, you're also telling her entire group of friends.
17. Why do you wear such provocative clothing but complain about creepy people checking you out.
This one really grinds my gears because I agree with the boys. If a girl decides to wear a dress that may as well be saran wrap or a skirt that barely covers the bottom of your ass cheeks, what other reason would you be wearing it then for attention? Because it's comfy?! NO.
Girls who dress provocatively and then complain about guys checking them out are either trying to humble brag or are just legitimately stupid.
If you don't like it, wear something normal. Simple as that.
18. When you look at me a bunch of times but never when I look back, what does that mean exactly? Am I a freaky fascinating subject to talk about with your girlfriends later? Or is my shirt on backwards or something? Or are you just checking me out, and if so, why do you look away like you’re totally not interested when I look your way?
If a chick keeps looking at you and there doesn't seem to be anything obviously wrong with your outward appearance, she probs just wants you to talk to her. Easy as that.
19. Why is it that guys have to pretend not to be interested in you for you to like them? In my experience the less interest you show to a girl the more she wants you. It doesn’t make sense to me, I like you ok, why do I have to pretend that I don’t?
While this may be true for some girls, those crazies are probably the same gals I discuss in question # 17. If you like a girl, act like you like her. In my humble and unprofessional opinion, that's a lot more attractive than pretending you have no interest.
20. Just because we find a member of the opposite sex attractive, doesn’t mean we’d have sex with them if we had the chance. Why does it set a trigger off in your head?
Because most of us that don't look like a Victoria's Secret model have at least a handful of insecurities. Because of this, any indication that someone is the slightest bit prettier than us sets of a trigger. It's like, we're aware there are millions of other girls more attractive than us, but we don't like to be reminded of it... ok?
21. Do you read minds? Because you so often assume that we can.
I think I speak for the entire girl population when I say can I get some ice for that burn?!
No, we don't read minds. Thanks for asking. And we shouldn't assume you can either. SORRY. Our bad.
22. When should we give up on chasing you?
Right before we file a restraining order.
23. How often do you notice when guys try and be subtle about checking out your boobs? Do you even care? I think a lot of us guys believe were pretty good about getting away with it, but girls tell me otherwise…
I've learned that, for the most part, girls are about 20x more observant than guys. This being said, we probably notice 9 times out of 10 unless you're out of our range of vision. I feel like most girls don't care, but don't quote me on that if some chick slaps you for staring.
24. Are crocs a deal breaker? If so, I’m going to need to expand my footwear selection…
Yes. A million times yes. Whoever you are, be sure to buy a mirror as well since you clearly don't own one. I assume that's the only excuse for your footwear choices.
25. How do you feel about guys working in a workplace that’s dangerous? I’ll be working as personal protection (bodyguard) soon enough and was curious what the opinions on working these types of jobs would be.
I really don't have an opinion on this considering the most dangerous thing in most workplaces of the guys I talk to is a stapler.
26. How much of a turn off is a 30-year-old virgin?
This completely depends on the girl.
27. Serious question: Why don’t you lift? Contrary to popular attitudes, women can become much stronger than most men, and strong is not an unattractive quality.
I guess the majority of girls are more concerned with being skinny and fitting into a certain size than becoming strong. Personally, lifting is super boring for me. I try all the time, but I usually grow tired of it after about 5 minutes and go do something else.
In addition, a skinny arm usually looks cuter in "hand-on-the-hip" than a muscular one. Sad but true.
28. Do you stare at our crotch like we stare at your tits?
Seriously? Why would we do that?
Ok so I hope this was entertaining and if it didn't make you loose faith in the male population then congrats, you're one step ahead of me.
Got a better answer to any of these? Share them below!